Saturday, January 11, 2014

hey there 2014.

well its been a minute since i've been on the old blog. i do miss it. a lot actually. so here i am. was kinda forced up here to the office, hubs is watching football and i could really care less-- i did all the laundry, dishes, cleaning...and i just couldn't sit there and watch a game,ha. so here i am.

last we left off we had just moved in to the house and i filled everyone in on the hot mess of bad luck we'd had. for the most part things have calmed down. our bad luck continued for a bit longer but now i think we're past the worst.

joey lost his job. was laid off. yep- right after i wrote that last blog. we'd only been in the house a couple weeks. we were so shocked, did not see it coming. they had let off a few people but neither of us were worried. so that was awesome...
luckily a friend hooked him up with some temp work right away- so he did that for a few weeks. then he got a brand spankin new job that he just started this last week! so far he loves it. i don't quite get what it is, so don't ask me. but i know its some kind of mechanic work- not like on cars, but big engines and generators. a lot like what he did in the army- which is great, he was trained to do this kind of work! so we're excited, thankful, and relieved.


adelynn is back to her happy self, it took some time but we got through it. thank goodness- it was  rough period for us. she is still loving daycare, and we do too. she has just exploded with new things, new words, she has developed so much! i can hardly believe she is about to be two. i still see her as my baby!

speaking of baby- everyone is pregnant these days. two of my SILs are prego and both due in May! Court is having a girl (Stella Mae) and Josie is having a boy (name undecided). My oldest friend, Neen, is pregnant too- due in August. I'm so excited for them, all these new little babies! LOTS of baby showers coming up lol.

absolutely nothing new with me. still working away at the dental office. doing the mommy thing. tryin' to be an awesome wife. thats about it! nothing exciting.

Christmas rocked this year and was so much fun with Adelynn. Rang in the New Year with our bffs Britt and Zach. and next up is our FIVE year wedding anniv in Feb. holy crap. FIVE YEARS! :)

anyhoo. time for me to run and make some kinda dinner for the babe and hubs. hopefully i'll have more interesting and exciting blogs in the future- this one kinda blows.

cheers ya'll.


i'm giving up on you.

i heard this song the other day, i'd heard it before. but it had never affected me as much as it did this particular day. i was driving to work, early in the morning- it was still dark out, quiet. it came on, and i found myself listening- like REALLY listening, to the lyrics. before i knew it, i had turned it up and began crying with every single word.

"Say Something"


how is it possible that such a sad song, could make me think of you? of all people. thats when i knew, it was time for me to give up on you. on this. because i just can't do it anymore. i've been trying for years and nothing ever works, or ever seems to get through to you. in the past i've gotten mad or just lost it crying and told myself ' thats it, i'm done! im DONE this time, no more.' but i always went back for more. i couldn't fathom a life without you in it, i couldn't picture you not knowing my kids or having a relationship with them. this is not how i pictured my life going.

all this time i've been trying to figure out how we got here, when we used to be so close. i tried thinking of what it was i did, that was SO awful. i was willing to take blame even if i hadn't done anything. i was willing to beg. i tried everything i could think of. this whole thing between us, affects me every single day. i literally cannot stop thinking about it. it affects my marriage, my relationship with others, my child. don't you see that? the position you are in, is a blessing. and you're throwing it all away. you're ruining it. and for what?

this last time i tried, i poured my heart out to you. once again, i took blame for...whatever. i asked for forgiveness and a new start. i pleaded. your response hurt me in a big way. but part of me is glad for that. maybe i needed to be hurt that badly to open my eyes and see things for what they are.

you have nothing nice to say about me or my family. and i won't stand for it. we aren't perfect. but heres the thing- i built this life for myself. i asked for no help from you, i'm proud of where i am-- and i wanted you to be proud too. i've sought out  your approval my whole life. look at my child, look how beautiful she is. how happy and loving. YOU will miss out on that. one day when she is older, i'll explain to her why you aren't there. and i'll let her know, it was nothing she did-- it was all you. THIS is all you.

i had a light bulb moment and realized something. your love is conditional. if things aren't done your way or you don't agree...then thats it for you. you shut down, pull away, with hold your love. and that is so far from how it is supposed to be. that is not love.

let me say again to be clear: what you are doing, is not love.

you clearly think very very low of me, my family. and thats sad. awful actually. and honestly, i don't need that- we don't need that. i'm not going to beg you to spend time with us anymore. i'm not going to plead for you to love me,accept me. i've shown effort/love/forgiveness, above and beyond-- and you, have shown nothing. i'm not going to submit myself to your judgment anymore. i'm not going to have you disrespect me or my family. you think i don't respect you, which is hilarious to me since it is so far from the truth. you have the right to be respected by me, and i give it whether you see it or not. but you do not have the right to emotionally abuse me, judge my family, or even the right to my love. love is to be earned- and you haven't earned it.

you're always the victim. you can't take responsibility for your part in things. i happily and honestly took responsibility for my part, plus some. you have never- not once. you're hypocritical, confusing.

so from now on, i'm putting forth no effort. i will not hate you. i won't be mean or hurtful. i'm just putting no effort in anymore. i'm not bending over backwards anymore. and i will not let myself get hurt anymore. everyday i struggle to NOT think of you. its sad that it has come to that but it has. i cannot let this saga consume me anymore. the only one getting hurt is me, so i refuse to submit myself to it. not again.

i'm focusing on my life, my family, and the people around me who love me for me- accept me as i am, and love me unconditionally. people who support me, are there for me, and would never think (much less say) such hurtful things to me or about my family.

love is unconditional, think about that.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

the last few weeks.

well hey there old friend, its been a minute!

so when we last left off, we had found a home but it didn't work out, right? Well lets start there.

First, we're both thankful the home didn't work out. We were blown away by the size and price, not really looking closely at the actual house. We were under the impression we wouldn't find what we wanted, and what we could afford, in Lilburn- which is where we wanted to be. It was a blessing that the home failed inspection!

We ended up deciding to put things on hold, because we didn't want to rush or settle. However, one home came on the market and caught our eye! Pictures online and the actual home can be two different things so I didn't get my hopes up too high. To save ourselves some money on inspection (sucks to pay all that money for it to fail, then have to do it all over again) we brought my brother along since he has years of experience in construction. Long story short, we fell in love. It had everything we wanted! It had only been on the market a couple days, and we knew it would go fast- so we put in an offer right away.

We closed on the Loganville home, and man it was more emotional than I thought it would be! It was very bitter sweet. We actually became friends with the lady who bought our home, which just makes it easier- and awesome that we got a friend out of it :) We've been keeping in touch with her, and I know she'll love the home as much as we did for the last four years.



Our two closing dates were about a week apart so we threw everything in to storage and moved in with my in-laws till we could move in to the new home. During all of this a lot happened: Adelynn started a new daycare, Grandma Brown passed away, Joey threw out his dang back & got a borderline hernia, and our baby girl was having a difficult time...and still is.

We finally made it to closing day on 10/18! Turns out the people we bought the home from moved right near my Dad and met him at his garage sale, ha! Their daughter and son-in-law both went to YHC! Small world, so meant to be!! We went straight from closing to the house, one because we were excited but also so we could paint Adelynn's room right away. It was important to me her room be as familiar as possible so she could get comfortable right away. We actually went ahead and started moving stuff in which was great- we got a ton done!

Saturday we moved everything else with the help of a moving company, and I unpacked in record speed. As they brought boxes in, I was unpacking and putting everything in its place. We got everything all finished up, and we spent our first night in the home.




we are about a mile from my dad, brother, neices, etc. We are IN the same neighborhood as one of my SILs, her husband and our three nephews. AND just a few miles from my in-laws. We also managed to cut our commutes more than in half- which is awesome. My hour long drive is now only 15 minutes!

All awesome right? Should be. We were thrilled to finally make this happen, we've been working toward it for a long time and we adore this house.

Adelynn started having a hard time while we were still at my in-laws. She was screaming crying, inconsolable ALL night long. It was awful. We started thinking maybe she had an ear infection. She did it again our first night in the new home, and by 8pm I knew we couldn't do it again. So we loaded up and drove to the ER. We were there for what felt like forever, with her screaming away. At one point I went in to a room off to the side of the lobby, and just started sobbing. We were all exhausted, and I couldn't handle the screaming anymore. I was sure it was an ear infection- it had to be- cause this was not my child. They checked her out finally around 11pm and she was just fine. We were so confused. We got home a little after midnight, and shockingly she went right to sleep no fuss, and slept till 8am!



Wake up Sunday morning and realize we have no coffee-- really, no groceries-- so joey went to go run out and get some stuff...and discovered my window shattered. Welcome to the neighborhood right? What else could happen??
Whoever did it left a pair of shoes, a brick, and a screw driver. We heard later a teen was arrested for minor in possession of alcohol, burglary, and breaking/entering in to vehicles all up and down the main road- so we're pretty sure thats our guy. We're still working on getting in touch with the detective to try and link the case- in the mean time my window is fixed, thank goodness. Initially we thought he didn't take anything- there was still a purse in there, my GPS, iPod, joey's amp, etc. But after searching for my purse I realized he must have taken it. We had all kinds of stuff in my car from moving, so I saw a purse and just assumed...not really thinking- the purse I was actually using with all my stuff in it was gone. Thankfully my wallet was in the diaper bag inside from the ER the night before. But my glasses (over $200) I'd just gotten were in there, and it was the purse Joey got for me ($60)back around Mothers Day. Super bummed. Paid $100 to fix the window too. Shit head. Hopefully we can get something back...we'll see.

You'd think that would be the end of our bad luck...but its not.

After the weekend we were still dealing with a very unhappy baby. Followed up with the pediatrician and he is pretty confident its due to all the changes: new daycare, dropping down to one nap a day, moving from the old house to my in-laws, then again in to the new house, etc. He said at this age she doesn't know how to express herself, and she feels unstable with her routine being SO shaken up. So, hence the screaming and crying. Basically, time will heal her. She needs to feel safe, secure, and back to her routine again. Get used to the new normal. I was worried the change would be hard for her- which we why we moved in SO quickly, and I wanted her room set up/painted right away. She seems to be doing better- shes not screaming and crying all night. But when we first put her to bed, she screams for a few minutes- the doctor said let her get it out and scream....even if it lasts for an hour. ugh. She is doing awesome at daycare but still struggling at home. It has been rough.

Now rewind a bit. My in-laws are allergic to cats, so we had to take Moose to my bosses house for the week until we moved in. We got him back Sunday (after the night in the ER and discovering the break in), and knew right away something wasn't right. We chalked it up to all the change, cats don't do well with stress/change. So I decided to give it a couple days and if he didn't get better we'd take him to the vet. He wasn't eating or drinking, litter box was empty, he was throwing up all over the place, and you could feel every bone in his body. Wedns morning I decided it was time to take him to the vet, so I got an appointment for that afternoon. I got off work and took him in. Let me just start with, I was only there for about 45 minutes...

As soon as they started examining him I could see it all over their face it wasn't good. I started getting a little upset but was trying to keep it together, I figured we'd give him an IV and some meds, and he'd be just fine. There was a lot of talking going on and I finally just looked at the vet and said " Are you trying to tell me we need to put him to sleep?" and she shook her head yes. Then, I just started sobbing. Full blown, moaning, sobbing. She said he was too far gone. That it was his intestines, and even if we tried surgery her honest opinion was that it wouldn't do any good, and would cost us thousands of dollars. I said I'd go home and talk to my husband, and call them if we decided to put him to sleep. She kinda smiled at me, sadly, and said " I wouldn't recommend you take him home, he is clearly suffering." So not only was I losing my cat, they wanted to but him to sleep RIGHT then. They left the room so I could call Joey, and as soon as he answered the phone I just cried and cried in to the phone, while holding Moose. I couldn't even get the words out. He immediatley left work. The next phone call was to my dad- without even thinking I called my dad and told him what was happening, and that I wanted to bury him next to my cat Shadow (who I had from middle school till I was about 23) at his house.
The vet came in a few times to see if I was ready, and I wasn't. I knew they were getting ready to close, I just couldn't make myself hand him over. I wanted to be with him but she said it may be hard to see- that since he was so dehydrated he may have some seizures and it may be hard to find a vein,etc. I selfishly decided not to go with him, and I've been kicking myself for it ever since.

Kissing him and hugging him one last time, and handing him over to her- was hands down, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am heart broken over it. He was the perfect cat, my little buddy. Always with me, sleeping in between Joey and I every single night- I adored this kitty.

(paw print the vet made me)

(burying him next to Shadow at my dads)

(last picture of my guy, at the vet)



I walked out the door, with my dead cat in a box. Crying all across the parking lot not caring who saw me or what I looked like. I have no doubt I was ugly crying, Kim K style. Heartbroken. I drove straight to my Dads, and Joey was already there. He and my Dad dug his grave, we buried him, and then went home.

I've cried every single time I think about him. The whole vet visit was traumatic. I've never had to put an animal to sleep, ever. I keep replaying it over and over in my mind. I wish I had taken 5 more minutes with him, whether they were closing or not. I wish I had been unselfish and gone in the room with him when they gave him the shot. The house feels so different without him here. I immediately printed pictures of him to put up so we could see him everyday, and every time I stop and remember what happened- I get choked up.



I could go on, but I'll stop there.


The very next day we realized our gas wasn't on. (again, really? what else??) I spent the day battling with the gas company, crying my eyes out over Moose, and feeling so very low. This was not the amazing, celebratory first week I expected in our new home we worked so hard for and love so much.

It got a little brighter when we got the gas turned on that day instead of 6 days later- thank GOD (its cold!). The shelter we got Moose from reached out and I had been filling them in on what happened. They offered me another kitty, and I just couldn't resist. Joey quickly agreed, and bam: meet Baxter.


part of me felt guilty, it was SO FAST after Moose. but the stronger, more selfish part of me did it anyway. I wanted to fill that void, I didn't want to be sad, I needed this cat. He is very sweet, VERY playful, and a beautiful kitty. He isn't Moose- he just isn't. He isn't as cuddly and he is still having a hard time with the dogs. Moose was SUCH a cuddler, and played with the dogs almost right away! But I know its not fair to keep comparing them. We both keep catching ourselves calling Baxter Moose, just out of habit. He has definitely helped lift the spirits in this house- and Adelynn doesn't seem to know whats going on. Which I'm thankful for and was worried about. She LOVED Moose-- but when she saw Baxter she laughed and said "Kitty!!" so I think we're good as far as she goes. I was scared to death about ONE MORE change for that baby girl, she can't handle anymore change.



Needless to say, I think I'm a tad depressed. and I have no shame admitting that- I mean shit, we have had a very rough two weeks. Moose is what gets me the most- it just hurts my heart so badly. That and Adelynn having such a hard time. I look at this child and don't know who she is! We were so spoiled with our happy, laid back baby. I'm looking forward to her getting more comfortable, calming down, and getting back to her normal self.

I'm just exhausted, and sad. Period. BUT...we love our home. And despite everything we're glad we made this happen, and very proud of ourselves for what we've accomplished. Nothing Joey and I have done has ever been easy, but in the end it makes it that much more sweet. We've worked our asses off for everything we have, and we take serious pride in that.



so there it is. an update on life.




WELCOME to the world, our third nephew Bryson Monroe Rogers <3 p="">
RIP Grandma Brown, we love you so very much <3 p="">
RIP Moose, you are loved so much more than you ever knew <3 p="">

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

whirlwind.

whirlwind is an understatement ya'll. life has been cray-cray lately.

a little over a week ago we accepted an offer to sell our house! ever since, it has been insane around our house.

we started the house hunt right away, we close on 10/4 so from the time of accepting our offer we had about 4 weeks. panic kelly..thats what has been happening ever since. our plan B if we didn't find a house before then was to move in with my in-laws and throw our stuff in storage.

we did find a house we loved, but the inspection was a flop. we are crushed. so, time to start the hunt-again. we're both exhausted, stressed, and so over it. joey is in class, but when we gets home we're figuring out what we want to do from here. i know there is no way we'll find a home, close, move by 10/14- and we of course don't want to rush anything either.we're pumping the brakes a bit. we'll make arrangements/plans to move in with my in-laws for the time being until we find something we love.

so frustrating. i thought selling would be the hard part! i am thankful we sold and got such a great offer. i know we'll find something eventually. trying to focus on the blessings and be thankful.

but man, feelin' low tonight.

stay tuned...

Sunday, August 18, 2013

keepin' the faith.

ok folks, pity party over. sorry bout that....

had a rough week, and it took me a bit to snap out of it. the biggest help was starting back at the dental office.

so grateful to be welcomed back with open arms. i stopped by a couple days before i started back and was welcomed with lots of hugs, smiles, and love. it seriously feels awesome to feel wanted, to feel like i'm coming back to family. it makes me feel even more that this is where i need to be. i did feel like a huge failure that working at home didn't work out after i'd worked so hard for it-- but, i'm more calm and clear headed now. it was nice to sit down on my first day back and just slip right back in to it, like i'd never left. great feeling!

i do miss seeing baby and joey in the mornings. i leave the house around 6:30 and joey gets up for work around 7:30 and baby doesn't get up till about 8. i miss seeing her every morning. it truly is my most favorite part of the day-- flippin' her light on, she pops up with a huge smile and gets so excited to see you! my happy girl. i love all the morning snuggles and smiles! so i'll miss that. but getting off at 3 gets me home about 3:30 so gives me time in the afternoon with her and to get some dinner ready.

overall i'm thankful. very very grateful.

we're still chuggin' along on selling the house. we MAY have hit a speed bump with the new home, me changing jobs...not the best timing. but we'll hear this week sometime if its going to be an issue. hopefully not, i want to move forward with it. so close to making it happen! hopefully all goes well, and we're able to sell our home!

so lately its been adjusting to changes, and focusing on the house. but tonight relaxin' on the couch i just kinda thought to myself 'man, i'm a lucky girl'

glad i finally snapped outta that funk.

Monday, August 12, 2013

insomnia.

ya'll. i can't sleep-- again. this is becoming a habit. and not the good kind. i'm so tired, then i lay down and my mind just goes to work.

i don't even know what to do with myself right now.

i feel lost.

when did i get so emo? we all know i'm on the emotional side but i feel like a lost, hot mess lately.

i feel like a failure, like i don't even know where to go from here. i had goals. one of them, probably the biggest most important one to me- is gone. the others, are in the works.

so now i lay in bed at night, sad. and just re-assessing the shit out of everything. what now?

i have so much to be grateful for, and i know it. i am blessed in many ways, have a lot that some don't. my needs are met. so what is my problem?

i guess, i just....don't know what to do now. like, struggling to even get my thoughts down right here and now. thats how jumbled up it is in my head.

i guess, i'm thinking i don't want to just go through the motions of life. i don't want to settle. i'm a determined and motivated person and i lost that a few days ago. i had/have all these goals i was constantly striving for- it was forever in the fore front of my mind. and now i'm low, so low that i'm just drawing a blank on all of it.


all i know is, the first priority is survival. taking care of my family in every way- so that i guess, is what i will focus on right now. don't get me wrong, that is always and will always be my TOP priority-- but i was always striving to do more than 'just survive'. more than going through the motions. more than just treading water. living life, achieving goals, REALLY LIVING and succeeding.


probably the lamest, most boring blog i've ever written in the 5 years i've been blogging. figures.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

hopes crushed.

i can't sleep. i am so tired, but my mind will not shut up.

ya'll, this is me. officially giving up on having adelynn home with me. that is really hard for me to say, and makes me cry so easily. today has been a very very rough day.

i know it seems crazy, i mean i just shouted from the roof tops not too long ago about how my dreams finally came true. theres a lot to it, and for now it is just too private to lay it all out in such a public place. but there it is.

its done.

i've worked for this for so long. this has been my motivation, my drive, my goal- every single day since i was pregnant. to NOT have this goal/thought in my head is going to be so weird. my heart literally hurts. i feel like a big fat failure.

by the way, if you didn't realize, you've all been invited to my pity party.

baby girl will be back in daycare full time (again) tomorrow. so much for that. this bothers me for many reasons:

- i want to raise my child
- i don't want to miss a thing
- if/when we move we have to think about daycare. if we move too far she can't go where she is now, and i don't want her anywhere else. if she is in daycare at all, i want her where she is. but i also don't want daycare location to dictate where we move. make sense? vicious cycle.
- i just want to be a mommy and spend time with my child
- i want to save the money

being a mommy, is what i want. i worked hard, non stop, determined, motivated and finally achieved it. and now its gone.

so whats next?

hopefully sleep.